When aging parents are just too thrifty
Aging parents who refuse to spend money
“Independence is just another word for stingy,” Jackie fumes. “My mother-in-law prides herself on not hiring workers to maintain her home, her yard, or her car. She has plenty of money but tries to do everything herself and insists on having my husband and me do everything else. I’m beyond frustrated.”
Maybe you can relate?
Your aging parents hoard rubber bands and used tea bags, live in a house with a roof like a cheese grater, wear the same tattered sweater that they bought at a garage sale twenty-five years ago. And do so with obstinate pride, as if the more they do without, the more virtuous they are. Their healthy bank account belies the need for over-the-top thriftiness, but they still cling to every penny as if it’s their last. It makes no sense.
Or does it?
Whether they remember it personally or not, the Great Depression defined a generation. Even those who came along afterward were shaped by parents who felt its shadow hanging over their family. In their economy, safety meant saving. Making it meant making do. And no amount of later prosperity could erase the imprint of scarcity tattooed on their psyche.
Now in retirement, your parents are faced with a fixed income or withdrawals from a reservoir of savings that’s finite and non-renewable, even if ample. The fear of running out triggers their deepest insecurities, causing them to double down on their go-to defense: excessive frugality.
Fear of an unknown future is not irrational. Taken to its extreme, however, our parents’ driving terror at not having enough is detrimental not only to them but to us as their loved ones and caregivers.
“No amount of later prosperity could erase the imprint of scarcity tattooed on their psyche.”
Gina returned from a visit to her parents and felt like she was losing her mind.
“Spoiled vegetables in the refrigerator, stale crackers, and spices from 1996. When I arrive, I quietly throw things away that she refuses to get rid of. I took her to the discount grocery outlet that she favors. It broke my heart to see her shop like this, even though Vons is across the street, and she could easily get fresh food there.
“While my father was dying, I drove my mother back and forth to the hospital every day in their one car. The defogger didn't work, the tires were bald, and the roof leaked on us when it rained. My dad had balked at any mention of repairing things.
“This is my parents' world, even though they’d be considered well-to-do by anyone’s standard.”
Certainly, not all families have such resources available. Theirs is a different set of issues that we’ll address at another time.
Your challenge now is to help your parents remain as independent and healthy as possible without shouldering a greater burden than needs to be yours as their adult child.
Here are some ideas:
1. Take a walk in their well-worn shoes. Chat about their family’s money culture growing up and how it affected them as children and then as adults. Try to understand their motives, their rationale. Empathy helps take the edge off frustration.
2. Make decisions together. Are they shopping for something they need? Advise and help evaluate the options (“This one comes with a better warranty”) but honor their preference even if you disagree. It empowers them and frees you of the burden of responsibility.
3. Create a budget. Chances are, they have both guaranteed and discretionary sources of income. If they see that necessary expenses are covered by reliable income, they may feel better about dipping into accounts that were once off-limits.
4. Let them boast. My mother-in-law likes to talk about how she sewed her own clothes and paid for their Florida vacation by clipping coupons. She’ll vent over “wasteful” spending on things like thoughtful gifts. You can praise her achievements while helping deflect the negativity.
5. Have the Talk. If you suspect the way they handle their money is becoming harmful, you may need to discuss allowing a trusted family member access to their checking account. Are bills going unpaid? Are they delaying preventive medical care? Were they the vicitim of a scam? Bring in a professional (social worker, financial specialist, etc.) to help. You may meet resistance, but don’t be afraid to revisit the subject as the dynamics change.
6. Set boundaries. Jackie’s husband may have to tell his mom, “I don't have time to mow your lawn every week. I know a good gardener who can come over on Tuesdays at a fair price." Don't ask. Just tell her this is how it is now. If she balks, let the grass grow.
7. Recognize their handicap. As Gina put it, “Cheap hurts, it insults. Cheap wastes time, it wastes money. Cheap is ugly, twisted, and selfish. Cheap steals, robbing happiness. Cheap is an illness.” Remember, this is a psychological impairment, no less than dementia or chemical dependency.
8. Accept them. You’re not going to change their mindset. But you can accept their reality without letting it infect you. Remind yourself of the good things you love and enjoy about them. Celebrate and focus on those.
Our parents sacrificed to give us, their children, everything they could. Gina recalls being raised with kindness and generosity, despite her parents’ dysfunctional view of spending today. Why, she reflects, is her approach to life and money so different from theirs? “It’s like my parents are squirrels and I am a bird,” she observes. “I am a bird who was raised by squirrels.”
Ultimately, the question boils down to trust. Our parents may fear that their survival is still up to them—that letting go of control will leave them destitute and deprived. Maybe, by showing up consistently and calmly, we can help them learn to trust in a loving Father who knows and cares for their needs. Always has. Always will.