How to Handle Guilt Messages

It churns in your stomach like last night’s pizza gone rogue. That wordless, gnawing feeling that you’ve done something wrong but you’re not quite sure what.   

Guilt.

The pain is real. You’re not imagining it. But the reasons behind it can be valid or as phony as a paid Tik-Tok follower.  

Dealing with aging parents often comes served with an extra helping of guilt. Especially if your parent has a history of exerting control through guilt messages. Remaining clear-headed in this emotionally charged season requires the detective skills of Poirot to identify real guilt from false guilt, peel back the peripheral emotions that might be tagging along (I see you, anger), and minimize collateral damage.  

Say you’ve been faithfully visiting your mom every week to help with groceries, bills, housekeeping. But you’ve come down with a cold after going to a baseball game over the weekend and you’ve had to postpone your visit.  Now, she’s complaining that you always were careless with your health, so it’s no surprise that you got chilled.  

Real or false guilt?  

Then there was the time you lost it when you found out that a paid caregiver had taken one of your mom’s best rings. The agency fired her in disgrace. And then later you discovered the ring tucked behind some scarves in a drawer.

Real or false guilt?  

Legitimate feelings of guilt surge when we’ve done something wrong or hurtful, whether we realized it at the time or not. Did we commit the offense? Are we guilty or innocent? Honest guilt is surprisingly straightforward. A healthy conscience will kick in when we truly have violated a legal or moral sense of right and wrong. In that case, the solution is clear: confess, make amends to the best of our ability, and try never to repeat it. Seeking forgiveness from God, the offended person and yourself has the power to ease the heavy load of guilt and its first cousin, shame.

False guilt is a whole different beast.   

False guilt can arise from within like bubbles from an ancient tar pit: sticky, viscous, and noxious smelling. Or it can be flung at you by someone else, hoping to find a receptive target for their own dissatisfaction. Maybe your mother has always used guilt to manipulate her family and now she’s wielding it like a Ninja as she feels the control over her life slipping away.  Maybe your sister, tired of bearing the brunt of caregiver duties, is trying to needle you through guilt to shoulder more of the responsibilities, rather than having a direct conversation. Or maybe you have a vague, persis sense of never doing enough as you strive to juggle work and family obligations, on top of caring for your elderly parents’ needs.  

False guilt erodes confidence. Relationships. Well-being. God never uses false guilt and it’s paramount that you recognize and name it, rather than accepting a burden that isn’t yours to bear.  

If the guilt is coming from a place of anxiety and doubt inside—am I doing enough to help my mom and dad? —try writing down all that you’re doing in one column, all that you think you should be doing in another column, and asking yourself if you could realistically be doing more. Dig a little deeper: what’s driving your feelings? A latent desire for your parent’s approval? Fear of loss or abandonment as they near the end of their lives? Misdirected guilt for indiscretions of your youth that you’re trying to assuage through over-involvement in your parents’ care now? Pray about it and seek a sense of calm and direction. Talk it out with someone you trust and make peace with your human limitations. You can’t fix your parents’ decline by working harder, doing more.  You’ll only deplete your own reserves and rob everyone of your best self.   

When the source is external—when your mom, dad, sibling, or other family member is trying to make you feel guilty out of their own neediness—it’s boundary time.  It may help to recognize that your mom is feeling powerless and afraid, so guilt messaging is one of her few remaining tools.  Reframe her with pity and compassion if you can. See if she’ll talk about what she’s really feeling that causes her to subtly lash out. Is she afraid? Sad and frightened because she’s lost so many of her friends, her independence, her health? Try to initiate a frank conversation with her when you feel calm. If you’re so angry that you can’t, prepare some responses to be ready when the little digs and accusations come.  

•         I love you, but negative comments like that push me away.  

•         I don’t believe that’s true.

•         I don’t think you’re trying to hurt me, but what you said was unkind.

•         If you continue to say things like that, I’ll need to spend less time with you.  

•         Remember what you used to tell me, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all?”

•         I have to go now. I’ll see/call you next week.  

Remember, your parents and family are flawed and broken, as are we all. Relationships are messy, no matter what the season. When the guilt-mongering becomes too toxic, ask God for strength to love them anyway and the courage to set limits. It may be difficult, but one day you’ll look back and be glad.