Aging Parents and the Driving Question
When and How to Help Your Elderly Parents Relinquish the Keys
I still remember the rush of exhilaration as a teenager when my mom asked me casually, “Would you mind dropping off this package at the post office for me?”
As if! My newly minted driver’s license was thrumming inside my fringed leather purse. I grabbed the keys to our Ford Country Squire station wagon with its faux wood paneling and buckled up for my first solo excursion. I rolled down the window (literally) and felt the sweet caress of freedom as it ran its fingers through my hair and across my cheek.
That thrill of newness has long faded. I’ve taken for granted the unalloyed privilege of being able to hop in my car and go wherever I want, whenever I want.
Now, after decades behind the wheel, you’re watching your parents and wondering about the other end of the driving life cycle. Always cautious, your mom is driving so painstakingly that runners from the high school track team pass by her on the road. Your dad, who was always a bit of a daredevil behind the wheel, just got in a fender bender that may or may not have been age-related.
Concerned about their safety (and the safety of others), you’re starting to think it might be time to have “the talk.” But how do you know?
Read the Signs
While some people can drive safely into their 80s and 90s, certain physical and mental conditions serve as a red flag. Slower reflexes, vision problems, weakening muscles, medication side effects, and dementia. Are you observing any of these warning signs?
• Do they get lost, even on familiar routes? Do they seem confused or struggle to back up, follow signs, react quickly, gauge distances? Do they forget to check blind spots or mirrors?
• Do they have cataracts or other conditions that affect how well they can see? Diminished hearing? A driver should still be able to identify the sound of sirens, brakes, horns, or a turn signal they’ve forgotten to turn off.
• Do they have trouble walking? Their driving may be affected due to impaired motor coordination and strength. Getting in and out can be a challenge. Even handicapped spaces require them to walk a short distance.
• Are there new scratches on their car? An increase in driving-related tickets and accidents, even minor ones?
• Do they complain about other drivers? Overreact when someone cuts them off or grabs “their” parking space? Do they seem anxious about driving at night or in traffic?
• Do your kids or other grandchildren refuse to drive with them?
You and your siblings may not be of one mind here. Your brother is ready to draw a line in the sand, yank some engine cables, and tell your parents their driving career is officially over. Your sweet, conflict-avoiding sister— possibly suffering from a touch of denial—insists that their driving is fine, and you should leave well enough alone.
But is it truly well enough? When there is evidence that their physical and mental condition (not just age) may be undermining their ability to drive safely, it’s time to step in. What’s the best way to approach this very sensitive subject?
Empathy & Respect
First, you’ll want to make sure to talk to your parents gently, with empathy and respect. They are adults, they’ve been driving for a long time, and they deserve to address this important aspect of their lives respectfully. Losing the ability to drive represents a profound loss of control and independence. It is one of the most defining portents of a life nearing the finish line. Your parents might be afraid of the unknown: how will they get to the beauty parlor, the doctor’s office, the supermarket, or the hardware store? How must it feel to rely on someone else to transport you wherever you want to go? Some people accept the passage with grace, acknowledging its wisdom. Others brandish their keys like a weapon, refusing to relinquish them till they are pried from their cold, dead fingers.
Understanding your parents’ feelings and perspectives will help guide your discussions about helping them get around safely.
Ask Questions
Even though you may be anxious that they stop driving—like, now—handling this emotionally-charged subject calmly and gradually may be more productive than an abrupt line in the sand. Tact and asking questions may help break the ground for more decisive action. No judging. No backing them into a corner. No losing face. Just exploratory conversations at first. Chances are they know they’re struggling but may not want to admit it. So consider together some incremental steps unless the need for change appears more urgent. Try questions like these:
1. “It seems like driving’s getting to be a hassle for you. How do you feel about cutting back a little?”
2. “Are you having trouble getting around in your car (at night, in unfamiliar places, when there’s a lot of traffic, etc.)?”
3. “Are you concerned you might hurt someone?”
4. “Is there any place you need to go that someone else couldn’t take you?”
5. “Are you afraid of feeling stuck and stranded at home?”
6. “Do you feel like you’ll miss out on fun times with family and friends?”
7. “If I go with you, are you willing to try Uber (or a cab or local senior transit)?”
8. “May I help you run errands once a week?”
9. “Would you be open to trying a grocery delivery service?”
Engage the Experts
Your mom or dad’s physician can help you. In fact, certain diagnoses (such as Alzheimer’s) require them to report a patient who is no longer able to drive safely. Even if the issue is a gray area (no pun intended), they can write a “prescription” not to drive and advise your parent with all the force of their medical credentials.
Law enforcement is another potential ally. They have the power and discretion to counsel, cite, or report unsafe drivers to the DMV.
Some professionals may be overly sympathetic, however. One persuasive elderly patient finagled her optometrist to write a letter waiving her need for the DMV test, even though she had significant vision problems. And when my dad careened into the wall outside McDonald’s after confusing the brake and gas pedals, the kind police officer gave him the benefit of the doubt, unfortunately having limited knowledge of my father’s declining mental faculties.
The DMV has no such compunction. If your parent is no longer able to drive safely and is unwilling to stop, you can report him or her anonymously by submitting Form 699 or writing a letter to their local DMV office, identifying him or her and explaining the reasons for your request that their driving qualifications be re-examined. Such a letter will override a doctor’s written permission to waive the exam. If their license is revoked, many will give up the fight. If not, it may be time to…
Get Creative
If your parent should no longer be driving but is unwilling to hand over the car keys, you and your family may need to resort to creative measures for their own safety—and for others’. Strategic exaggeration is not out of line when necessary, in my opinion. Customize these ideas to your own situation.
1. Intervention. Pull together evidence (photos of physical damage, medical documents, traffic accident reports, comments from neighbors) and have a family meeting to show your love and solidarity. Work with them on solutions to the extent possible. Leverage the skill sets of your siblings who are better at negotiation or bold confrontation, as needed.
2. Disable the car. “Lose” the keys. Remove the distributor cap. Disconnect the battery. If there has been a fender bender, don’t bother getting it repaired. Or take it to get “repairs” that get delayed indefinitely.
3. Have a grown grandchild “borrow” the car. Sell it if you must.
4. If they have dementia, remove the car and any reminders of driving. Change the subject until they forget about driving.
Stay Focused
You have two goals. One is to help your parents transition out of driving when it’s no longer safe and adapt to alternate ways of getting around. The other is to safeguard your relationships. Understand and show compassion for your parents’ reluctance but be willing to deal with their displeasure. The same goes for your siblings whose opinions about the driving situation may differ from yours. Talk it out; work it out for the sake of your relationships, both now and down the road.
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